Ramblings of a Disordered Mind

medical update of the day

2012-02-10T19:25:00.000-08:00

So here's the deal, I'll just get right to it. Two weeks ago Friday, I asked my doctor, during my yearly check up, to screen me for PCOS (Poly cystic Ovarian Syndrome). I wasn't losing weight how I liked, the hair loss was really starting to bother me. Last week Monday, I went for an ultrasound. Right after, i had a mammogram. While I had the mammogram, my doctor called. He wants to see me right away. Not good.

There's a mass on my right ovary, the size of a large plum. Also, my endometrium doesn't look good. Monday I had an appointment with the gynecological oncologist at the hospital. They took a biopsy from my endometrium, which is a horrible thing to have done by the way, but can't take a biopsy from the mass. Verdict? They're going to take the whole thing. Sometime in the next two weeks, I'm having a total hysterectomy. Uterus, ovaries, tubes, and probably even my Omentum. The doctor figures it's 60/40 that it's not cancer, which is okay odds. I will be in the hospital for 5 days, and then off work for 8 weeks.

How do I feel about this? I don't know. They're not parts I have ever needed so I'm not sad or bereft about losing them. If it's cancer, I'll deal with it then, worrying about it now won't change what it is. I'm not afraid of dying, so that's not even an issue.

I am not looking forward to the sickness from the anesthesia. Despite my surgeon's assurances that "they have new stuff now", I know I will be vomiting for 24 hours afterwards. I feel bad for the nurses but even more bad for me. I am not happy about not being allowed to lift more than 10 lbs for 6 to 8 weeks after the operation. There goes all my fitness. I will practically be starting from square one by the time i can get back to the gym.

Eight weeks off work will kill me. I can only imagine the boredom and tedium I will have to endure. My mother and my sister are stressing me out more than the surgery. my sister's decided i have to stay with her for a week, but her house is a zoo. two kids and and unknown amount of animals. Love her to death for wanting to take care of me, but tomorrow I'm meeting with her and explaining that I will stay at my own place. Unless she reads this. My work benefits pay for a nurse so I can always have a nurse come in for a week or so. And Alberta Healthcare might even supply one.

Thank god for universal health care. I will have no medical bills to worry about. None. And my care couldn't have come faster or better. My surgeon is awesome and I trust her completely.

I know I'm rambling. I really should have thought this out more. I am a bad blogger. Am I scared? Sometimes. That maybe this operation will be a lot heavier than I am making it out to be. That I'll be more helpless than I think I will be. If it's cancer, I'll need chemo. Say goodbye to the rest of my hair. But my benefits will pay for a wig. Always wondered what I look like in long hair.

I don't know. Right now I feel like my life's been put on hold until I get the date for my operation. My diet's gone by the wayside as I cope by binging. That's also not good.

On the bright side, my pap and my mammogram were perfect. and I'm hoping that if they take my Omentum, that might mean some good weight loss. and hey, maybe i can talk the surgeon into giving me a quick and dirty tummy tuck while she's got me cut open anyway.

for your amusement

New Year

2012-01-01T13:51:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! Here's to 2012 kicking ass. Here's to taking stock about what worked and what didn't work in 2011 and finding that more things worked than not.

Today my day's about laundry and taking stock. What worked? I found fitness and a better way of eating. What didn't work? As usual, the boyfriend didn't stick around, although to be fair I'm the one that ended it. We wanted different things and those things couldn't be compromised on.

What else didn't work? My fiscal responsibility is still pretty much non-existent and I didn't write one single word in 2011. What did work? I bought a new car and I love it. I had periods of downturn but didn't let it defeat me.

I did not run the 5K yesterday. I am somewhat bitter about it but sometimes you need to readjust your goals and even let one go. I hit a rough patch with the gym and eating and simply wasn't ready to run it. I could probably have walked it, it was a run and walk after all, but for me that would have been a bigger failure than not doing it at all. So, readjustment of goals. Started the running over, will look for something this summer.

As you all know, I have a personal trainer now. His name is Joey and he pushes me. He's funny but doesn't let me slack off. My goal in the next 11 weeks of working with him is to lose at least 30 lbs. That requires that my eating is absolutely perfect and that I do all the homework he gives me. So far i'm at 90% which is not bad but can be improved on. Starting tomorrow I'm not allowed to weigh myself. The plan is to take the batteries out of my scale and put the scale in my car. I think that'll be the hardest thing I'll have to do this year.

What can you expect from this blog? I'll try to blog more often and not just about updates since you can see that from facebook anyway (all four of you that read this). One of my goals for 2012 is to finally write that damn novel, so I'll be talking about my writing here. I'll be talking about stuff that crops up from time to time, things I think about. In a few days I will write a post with all my goals for 2012 for accountability, so expect updates on those as well.

Thanks for sticking by me, love you all. Happy New Year!!!

Updating stuff and pictures

2011-08-22T19:24:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been a long time since I've blogged. So much has happened since then. I'll get right down to it. Total weightloss to date: 55 lbs. July sucked for weight loss so i've recommitted to working out more. I played around with my menu for a while but that didnt work like i wanted it to so now I'm back to eating the way I did in the beginning. Broke my plateau immediately.

I did a bootcamp class for a while on saturday morning but I didn't enjoy it very much, it wasn't very challenging, and to be honest I really didn't like the people attending it so I stopped going. I do go to two circuit classes at my gym on Tuesday and Thursday and they are much tougher. I love them.

It hasn't been easy. I had one weekend where I ate anything I wanted and gained 6 lbs. It took two weeks to lose them again. I felt like crap the whole weekend and will never do that again. Yesterday I hit Tim Hortons twice and had a sandwhich, three cookies, three timbits and a small Ice Cap. Didn't gain any weight.

The reason I hit Tim Hortons twice in one day? My boyfriend and I were on a road trip. That's right, I said boyfriend. Hallelujah. It's early days yet, almost two months, and we see each other maybe once or twice a week because he's working double shifts all the time so it's hard to make time. But we try. His name is Innocent, he is from Nigeria but he lived in Holland for ten years so that's really cool. I cook for him, he cooks for me and he sees my weight loss effort and my constant going to the gym with much bemusement. He is a sweet, gentle, good man and I feel like I've known him for years. He's really touchy feely and I'm totally getting used to always holding hands and being hugged. I like it. A lot.

I've started running again. It's called the Couch to 5K program and it's supposed to have you running 5K or about 30 mins in 9 weeks. I'm on week 3 and so far so good. My knees don't hurt so as long as they hold up, it's all good. On New Year's Eve, there's a 5k called the Resolution Run and I'm determined to do it. It would be the perfect cap for a perfect year. I feel awesome, revived. I've even started writing again. Life is great. I could go on but I don't want to write a novel for a blog post. I'll try to blog more often and be more interesting. Pictures follow. My before pictures, pictures I took this afternoon, and a picture of Innocent.

Progress so far

2011-05-15T20:18:00.000-07:00

First, some medical news. Two weeks ago I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. That means my thyroid is underperforming. Some symptoms of that is weight gain and great difficulty losing the weight gained, and great tiredness and lethargy. So, I'm on medication, which will take about 4 weeks to kick in. If the medication just fixes the tiredness and lethargy I'll be very happy.

So it's been 8 weeks and I just finished week 7. I redid week 7 because the first week 7 was a total loss. I missed several days and got off schedule with the lifting so I figured I'd do it again.

So far I've lost 24 lbs exactly. That's 3 lbs a week. It's okay but I'm not satisfied. This week was a total write-off. I only lost 0.2 lbs. There were two days where I cheated and ate way too much and didn't exercise like i should. I needed to reassess what I was doing. So I spent Saturday looking at my goals, rereading what I'd written originally before I started. What I was afraid of, what i was hoping to achieve. I've achieved a few of my goals already, and nothing I was afraid of has happened.

It's only been two months and I know i shouldn't expect huge results. I love watching The Biggest Loser, but you get such an unrealistic view of weight loss. If i could work out 6 hours a day and not have to worry or focus on anything but weight loss I could lose ten lbs in one week too. But I have a full time job and I don't have 4 personal trainers yelling at me all day, every day. So I do what I can.

This week what I could wasn't good enough. I acknowledge that but will not berate myself for it. My food is almost perfect, I shall not eat any cookies or processed food in the coming week. My cardio was lacking so I will increase that. I will try, for the next month, to do Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred every morning in addition to my afternoon workouts.

I can't become complacent, I can't take anything for granted. That's how i got to be 296 lbs in the first place. So it's time to refocus. And while I'm doing that, I thought I'd refocus on some other stuff as well. Do a bit better at work, and think about writing again. Can't hurt.

For those of you who are curious, yes I am taking vitamins and supplements. Here is a list of what I take. Multi vitamin geared towards helping fat and carb metabolization. CLA (COnjugated Linoleic Acid) an essential fatty acid, Omega 3-6-9 fish oil, green tea extract, cayenne pepper (the last two are known as thermogenics, by raising your body temp slightly they help your metabolism work better), Glucosamine/MSM/Condroitin for the arthritis, Vegegreens (a vegetable extract in powder form which smells and tastes disgusting, I add it to a vanilla protein shake that I also add a cup of frozen berries to), Glutamine (also in the protein shake) and two protein shakes a day to make sure I am consuming enough calories.

So far this year I have lost 34 lbs. Only 116 lbs to go. got to do what i did, three more times. I can do that. Right?

2011-04-23T11:44:00.000-07:00

Five weeks. That's how long I've been working out. I missed 3 days in those five weeks, due to illness. I put stickers on my calendar for every workout. Stars for cardio, hearts for weights, and a smiley face for anything else, such as abs or when i tried the yoga dvd. The stickers keep me honest. I can't conveniently "forget" that i didnt go yesterday.

Plus, I can see the patterns. Thursday and Friday I am more than likely to skip the morning cardio. On the weekends, I work out twice a day consistently and most mondays and tuesdays too. So I know to focus more on the end of the week adn make an extra effort to get up early and go.

I think I'm probably addicted. I have traded my obsession with chocolate bars and cake for an obsession with weightlifting and programs on the treadmill. I lie about my age to the cardio program so it allows me to raise my heartrate higher. Lying about things is one of the signs of addiction.

I used to lie about the food I ate, smuggled food into the house. One easter I smuggled in, over the course of a week and a half,at least ten one pound solid chocolate bunnies, which of course i had to eat quickly. You can't hide food in a house with two dogs and a mother who doesn't respect your privacy. The worse i felt, the more chocolate i'd shove in my mouth.

I moved out, and that need to eat totally disappeared. It took about two months for the habit to disappear as well. But the day I moved out, I stopped eating fast food. No need to eat that hamburger and fries in the car before going home. I don't need armour to deal with HER anymore. It helps that there are no fast food restaurants anywhere near where I live. The best I can come up with is a Subway. Not exactly junkfood.

Before I get totally off track, I have exchanged a food obsession with a workout obsession. But it's a healthy addiction. I don't want to spend hours in the gym, so I keep the workouts short and effective. I follow Kris's program to a T. I like schedules and detailed plans and it is working awesomely. Plus I couldnt focus for longer than 30 mins anyway. i can't imagine working out for hours. I'd get bored. There's only so long you can ogle bodybuilders. Kidding. Kind of.

I have 7 more weeks on Kris's program. I project I will have lost 30 lbs in total. Not bad. I'd like more but I'll take 30. I already weigh less than I have in over 5 yrs. And I'm so much stronger again. I love how I feel. I love getting up in the morning and not being sore, but having vigour and energy. I'm already thinking about what I'm going to do next. Kris's program again, or another program on Bodybuilding.com. Whatever i chose, I know I won't quit. This is one addiction that I love.

Friends

2011-04-09T18:52:00.000-07:00

Many changes have happened in my life over the past few years, and most of them in the past six months. Biggest of them are that I moved out and that I started working out and stick to a diet. The transitions were easy, actually. I live successfully on my own, I'm very happy here. I have come to love my daily, sometimes twice-daily workouts and my diet is going gangbusters with a weightloss of 11 lbs so far. (2 1/2 weeks)

None of this would have been possible without my friends. I have always been a loner, even when I was a child. I had very few friends and never minded spending time alone. I had good friends but they were interchangeable really. I didn't share too much of myself, kept everyone at arm's lenght. But over the past five years that's changed.

First came Shay. (I'll use their online names, not sure they want me to use their real names). Sarcastic, funny, non-judging Shay. We hit it off immediately. At first just in a chat room and then moving to Yahoo. I still kept her at arm's length, not sure I trusted this friendship. I trusted her, but not the friendship. But over time I realized what an incredible woman she is, and she became my best friend, my sistah. Then one day, she dragged me into Second Life for a writing class. The writing class was bogus and I wandered away, to explore Second Life, a virtual world I immediately fell in love with.

Second Life brought me Adele. I'll spare you the story of how we met, lets just say it involved a really drunk guy. The guy stuck around for five minutes, Adele's been around for two years now. She's smart, determined, funny, liberal.

At around the same time I found Photon in Second Life. Photon's a man's man. A good and caring man who knew what was best for me and was not afraid to tell me this. It kills me to say that he was usually right. Photon is funny and supportive and idealistic about a better future.

Most of you know that about three years ago I hit a really rough spot. I hit rockbottom. Through it all, my friends were there, holding me up, urging me forward, never letting me stop. I know I was not pleasant to be around. I get nasty when I get scared. But they never left me, they never faltered. And slowly I recovered.

About which time I met Corvus. Corvus is a nihilist, convinced the apocalypse will come and he is prepared for it. If it does happen, I am finding my way to him because I know i'll survive with him looking out for me. Corvus went away for a while but came back and has been an incredible friend to me. Incredibly supportive, and, for a nihilist, extremely positive. I enable his book addiction and he enables my workouts with his knowledge.

And then there's Lark, whom I met through Photon. She's always a joy to talk to, creative, sweet, and so supportive.

I wanted to introduce you to these people who have been so incredibly important in my life. I love them whole heartedly and without reservation, trusting them completely. And the most incredible part of it all? I have never met these people in real life. But that has never made a difference to any of us. One day I will meet them all, I will be able to hug them and tell them in person how important they are to me. For now I tell them online and in this blog.

I love all of you, I would never have been able to get to where I am today without each and everyone of you.

One week in

2011-03-27T20:00:00.001-07:00

Here's a quick update. One of my goals this month is to blog twice .

I have managed to work out twice a day this week, as laid out in the plan in the book Body By Design By Chris Gethin, Editor in Chief of Bodybuilding.com. I did modify the food guidelines slightly. It says no dairy, but I add a bit of cheese to my daily salad. I consume most of the veggies in one go rather than throughout the day cause i hate them and like to get them over with. So far I have not added the protein powder and creatine supplements, I'm not exactly a body builder. I think that's more for when you want to get below 10% body fat.

I do eat 5 to 6 small meals a day, a plan that works really well for me. This week I am journalling everything I eat, keeping a close watch on calories. Again, that's not in the book, but I want to do that for my own satisfaction. In exchange for which, I won't weigh myself twice a day like i normally (obsessively) do. No weigh-ins till next Saturday. That's going to kill me. But i will do it.

I find I actually like working out. Don't let it get around. The cardio is easy, during the plan, which lasts 3 months, it's to be a brisk walk on the treadmill or eliptical, keeping our heart rate at no more than 70% with a perceived exertion of about 6 ish or maybe 7.Optimum fat-burning range. I of course push it and have added a few running intervals. Nothing too exciting, the first time it was only two one-minute intervals, the next time there were three. Today there weren't any.

I like this program. It's easy, it's simple, every phase (there are three) builds on the phase before it. There's a huge online community that goes with it so support is built in. Why did I pick this book? We had it for sale at work. The other book we had was Bring It, by Tony Horton. It too looked like a good book, but i liked the precise 3 mos plan in Body By Design. It wasn't overwhelming.

This week i have lost 3.4 lbs. That's pretty good. I am happy with it. Next week the real challenge will start. Can I get up at 5 am to do my morning cardio? I bet I can. I'll let you know. No more fear at the gym, I seem to have turned a corner.

Oh, and my car developed leakitis and it's going to cost $1600 to fix so I've had to cancel my trip to Boston and Ohio. Which totally sucks. And yet I managed to stay away from the chocolate. Big Victory. Sorry, Cadbury. Guess you're not getting my cash anymore.

Failure and Triumph

2011-03-19T18:38:00.000-07:00

Okay so here's the deal. I haven't been to the gym at all. I'm exercise aversive. (I read that in a book. It's fancy for lazy) This really bothered me, especially after my last post, so I did some work this weekend. I made lists. I like lists. Turns out the reasons why I should work out and lose weight are way longer than the reasons why I shouldn't. And the reasons why I shouldn't are irrational.

So today I managed to go to the gym. In the locker room, getting my mp3 player ready, I was shaking. Can you imagine. I'm in a totally empty locker room in a nearly empty gym and I'm shaking. I noted this, and then calmly dismissed it as an irrational fear that I needed to get over. I took pictures of me, posted below. (They make me want to cry, prepare for horror. You may need eye bleach) and then I ventured forth. There were five people in the whole gym. one man and one woman running on the treadmill, three guys using weights. Now when I say "use" I'm being generous. THey would lift for about ten seconds, and then they'd wander out of the room for 5 minutes. Not exactly how I picture weight lifting. I wasn't exactly swept away by waves of Testosterone. The people on the treadmill were running at a leasurely pace, reading. Okay. This seemed safe enough.

I picked a treadmill at the end (I think the same rules apply to treadmills as urinals. Always an empty one between. I wasn't going to test that rule, not today)The challenge I set myself was to go at a good pace but not kill myself for ten minutes. The speed was at 3. Which is super slow but it was challenging. I am fat and out of shape after all. After three minutes I was bored and wanted to leave. But I stuck it out for 25 minutes.

And then I went home and butchered a piece of fish but it still tasted good. I need to learn how to cook fish.

So I overcame that hump. Tomorrow i shall go again. I didnt die. Monday I shall start the weight lifting program and show those pussies how a real woman lifts. *snort*

Because I warned you that I would, below are the pictures I took. They make me cringe and make me want to cry. Especially the side picture. I am whale-like. Massive. I think I found my motivation. I shall try to post pics once every two weeks.

My weight today is 282.8 lbs. I am 5'5"

Bad. I know.

PS I'm back on the Diet Coke, I just couldn't do it. I decided it's the least of all evils and will stay for now. Also on monday I interview for the job of Book Buyer at work. I'll keep you posted. I really really REALLY want this job.

what a letdown

2011-02-27T09:45:00.000-08:00

Letting people down. I'm an expert at it. I cancel dates, promise things I can't or won't deliver, forget things. Not on purpose. I just make promises in the heat of the moment, that if I took two seconds to think about, I know I can't deliver. Most of all, I let myself down. Again and again I say I will do something, I will make a change, and again and again, I don't. I beat myself up over it, and then I move on, conveniently forgetting. Maybe that's why I don't like journalling. It's a concrete reminder of all the things I've not done that I said I would.

The last few months have been different. I've delivered knitting that I promised. Sure, there's still a purse outstanding but that will get done. But the scarves, including one I was commissioned to do for Christmas, were done and delivered on time. I've already started the new bunch. Which will also be done and delivered.

Last week i quit diet coke. With the exception of a little bump, which was smoothed over by a combination of a zealous friend (thank you Daniel) and the fact that it just didn't taste that good, I have managed to stay Diet Coke free. And drinking water in its place. This time it will stick. So that's one promise to myself I've kept.

The last few days I stuck, mostly, to my new eating program. Promise two down.

Tomorrow I start the dreaded exercise. I was going to do my first cardio yesterday morning but didn't want to go so I made a bargain with myself. Concentrate on your water intake and you can skip the cardio. Not good enough. I didn't make it to the gym but I did go for a walk twice that day, getting my cardio in that way. A brisk walk. I'm not capable of strolling. So not a total letdown.

Other promises will be kept. I will make it to Boston this summer and to Ohio. I will complete the 3 month program. My word for the month is Focus. It's on my whiteboard. There are other things on my whiteboard too. All of which will be achieved.

It's a good feeling, confidence. Unfamiliar but good. I like it. The more I have it, the more I want it. So I hope the world is ready for me, because I'm ready for it.

A Brand New Day.

2011-02-22T20:04:00.000-08:00

Wow, almost a whole year since I last blogged. Where has the time gone. Okay to catch you up, I moved out in October! Living on my own rocks. It's a tiny apartment and I love it. It's like a posh hotel suite. Or at least wants to be. I keep it neat. ish. And I love it.

Now the real reason why I'm blogging. Monday Feb 28th, I start a 12 week fitness program. It's weight-lifting based. I love weight lifting and am looking forward to it. It'll be hard but I feel positive about this. Cardio is twice a day but it's minimal. No running because it wants a lowlevel cardio to keep your heartrate at about 70%. I can do that.

To prepare I quit diet coke last saturday. Oh. My. Fucking. God. I had the shakes, headaches, felt like crap. i finally had to have one to take the edge off. I would make such a bad junkie. But I'm good today. Had half a can to wake up this morning and the other half when i got home and that's it. I dragged my ass all day but damn it, I will beat it. Have to drink more water.

So anyway, I'm going to use this blog to post my progress. Keep myself accountable to you all. (All two of you. lol) But somebody *coughPaulacough* keeps bugging me to journal and I figure this can be part of it.

So I hope y'all are ready to listen to me whine about how my muscles hurt and my food is boring. Cause I'm not sparing you.

I'll also keep you posted on other stuff. Men, writing, stuff.

Oh and I'm planning on going to Boston first two weeks of August and will come visit as many people as I can. Laura.

So yeah. Also, I'll be posting pics. Just to keep myself completely honest. So be prepared to be horrified. Just saying.

Spring Cleaning

2010-04-17T19:49:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day of spring cleaning. Or as I refer to it, spring throwaway. Probably all of you know I moved back in with my mom last year. I've been here for over a year, in total denial, pretending I'd be moving out again soon. Yeah, not gonna happen for a few years. I finally faced that, and realized that my two little rooms were horrid, crowded depositories for my crap. This week I decided to do something about it.

I was almost waylaid. I had to work today. Usually that means I'd lose the momentum and it will be another six months before I even think about doing something. But not this time. I worked till 1:30. Then I had a nice drive around because it was so beautiful outside and I was looking for a construction bin in a quiet street where I could dump the first of my garbage. After successfully dumping the garbage bags without being seen, I took my Java Chip Frappucino home.

At home, more delays. A friend of my mom's dropped by. I could hardly vacuum while she was there, could I? So I waited till she left. My mom and I carried a sideboard I built into the front yard and I put a "Free" sign on it. That thing had been standing on its side, the last reminder of my past as a carpenter. Also a constant reminder of the woman I ended up working for who still owes me $1600. Good riddance.

I moved furniture, vacuumed, threw out without mercy. I put a chair with the sideboard. I stacked books. I vacuumed some more. Decided to wash all my linens. Throw out the ones that got discoloured because i just couldn't be patient and wash my towels separately. Pale pinkish duvet cover, anyone?

The sideboard and chair disappeared within 45 minutes. I got dusty and sweaty. It felt good, liberating. Plus I had some room to move around. You know that old joke, her room was so small she had to go outside to change her mind? Yeah, that's my lodging. When I get out of bed, it's one step to the door. Now I don't need a huge bedroom, all I do in it is sleep, but it's nice when the one step isn't interfered with by a chair so big i can't even open the door all the way. Good riddance.

Last weekend, I had this sense of anticipation, like something was going to happen, something good. Nothing good happened and in fact I had a bit of a meltdown on sunday and had a crappy crappy monday as a result. But I worked through it, ended the week on a good note. And today was the perfect capper. I did what I set out to do.

Time to do some spring throwing out of bad habits too. Two people this week told me I worry too much and a third agreed with their assessment. *sigh* I get it. Relax and stop worrying. But if I don't worry, then how will things get done properly? Because sure I worry but I'm always prepared.

Someone also told me I was trying too hard. And that one was spot on. I do try too hard with a lot of things. I call it pushing. I'm always pushing people. You see what you don't realize is that I've rehearsed our interaction several times already. Every outcome has been examined and anticipated. So by the time I talk to you, I'm done. You've already agreed with what I want you to do. Didn't you get the memo? Of course you didn't. So my pushing is not so much pushing as a way to try to get you to say your part of the script, a way to get you to fall into line.

So yeah maybe that should be part of the throwing out. Relax, stop rehearsing. I have to say that I am in a lot of ways much better. I no longer rehearse my work days. That's a huge step forward. I don't lie in bed at night going over what i have to do the next day instead of sleeping. Gone is that stress. But personal interactions? I'm still working on that. Relax and stop worrying. I'll get right on that.

Boredom

2010-04-09T20:04:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've blogged. (I did warn you at the beginning that might happen). Stuff has happened though, so I did have things to talk about, I just couldn't be bothered. That's been my catch phrase this past month. I just can't be bothered.

I recognize it as extreme boredom, but perversely, can't be bothered to do something about it. I can see the end in sight though. Lately I've been thinking a lot about a new novel idea. I'm reading again, and getting inspired. Found a small book at work by Rimbaud called Illuminations. My only exposure to Rimbaud previously has been a biopic with Leonardo DiCaprio in which he has sex with David Thewlis. (Total Eclipse, good movie, check it out) Illuminations is beautiful, the translations so wonderful I wish I could read French.

There's also another little book at work called Getting Cigarettes For The Dog, a collection of short stories. I ended up not buying it, but i did read some of the stories in it. Good literature inspires me. Also the book I read last week (I won't name it) inspires me for the opposite reason. It wasn't very good. The story was okay and based on that I could sort of enjoy it. But, and this is a big one, all the male characters sounded like women with penises. Most of the time I simply could not envision a man saying what they did. Good thing it was one of my freebies from work. Would have been a waste of ten dollars. Which is sad to say about any book, when you really think about it.

So this is what's happened. My "caring, supportive boyfriend" wasn't and therefore is no longer my boyfriend. I was lied to, I was ignored, I was pacified. Not a good approach to take with me, as anyone who knows me will tell you. I wasted time on him, but lesson learned.

I've been diagnosed with arthritis in my knees and feet and my exercising has screeched to a halt. I will resume, I know that, and despite the pain I will continue to run, but I will never run on a road so my plans for a 5K are out the window. This upset me more than I thought it would, which is why I'm not exercising at all right now. Yes, I miss it. Yes I realize the boredom would vanish if I went to the gym. Yes, I'm a freak.

I started a company in Second Life, only to close it a month and a half later, due to lack of sales and loss of interest.

I am bored. Bored with everything. But it's coming to an end. I am consciously doing things, even if they're only little things to make sure I don't completely atrophy. I cleaned out my friend list in Second Life and on Facebook, removed people I never talk to, or even worse, people I've never talked to ever.

You know that song in West Side Story, Something's Coming? Something's coming. Something good. Not a bus (like in Defending My Life, with Albert Brooks, another good movie), something good. Something I will like. Something of my own creation. It may come cannonballing out of the sky but I will catch it. Tomorrow I will write and remember to tell my friends, my true friends, I love them. (right click on the video and select "View on youtube" I cant make it fit the blog layout)

Myths

2010-02-19T16:23:00.000-08:00

Myths. How many of us believe them? Do we really believe Prometheus stole fire from the Gods? Or that saying Candy Man three times in a mirror results in a pretty scary movie? Probably not. But how many of us believe in myths about ourselves? How many of us say "I can't do this" as if it's gospel and absolutely true without even challenging that belief?

I was talking to my boyfriend and told him that eating breakfast made me ill. But then I realized that for almost a year now I ate breakfast pretty regularly and it did not make me ill. Real breakfasts too, not just chocolate bars. (Don't ask) Thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that it probably wasn't breakfast that made me ill but the extreme stress of my last job. Getting ill from eating in the morning was a myth, one i just repeated to myself and believed without challenge, despite evidence to the contrary.

I spent the next day thinking about other myths I believe. I'm not athletic. I take great joy in telling people that. Not an athletic bone in my body. And yet for the past two months I've been working out twice a week with a personal trainer and on my own as well. The goal: get fit and run a 5K. According to my myth, I can't do that. After all, I'm not athletic.

Hogwash says my body. Not only can you do a sit up, it tells me, but you can do 90 of them. With a medicine ball above your head. Not only can you walk on a treadmill, but you can run. And maybe you're not running at 9 mph like the professional Lacrosse player on the treadmill next to you, but you are running nonetheless. And bonus, I've given you really good balance so you don't fall off the treadmill. Wow, thanks body, that feels pretty good.

The myth I believed most deeply though was emotional, not physical. I am incapable of maintaining relationships of any kind, I'm incapable of loving someone else. (not including family)
I look at my life now and I realize that was the biggest myth of all. I have relationships, some of which have lasted over a year, with people whom I love dearly. I don't question it, I just know. I love these people. It is not conditional, it is not fleeting. Being annoyed by them sometimes does not extinguish the love. And I accept that they love me.

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
I Corinthians 13:4-8

(Lisa is now gasping in shock because I quoted the Bible. Hi Lisa)

For so long I believed I couldn't love someone, for so long I acted on this belief, ending relationships the minute something went wrong because it was proof that I did not love, so why bother then continuing. I wonder what wonderful things I missed out on. But once I saw the truth, what wonderful things have stayed. Good friends, a caring, supportive boyfriend.

What other myths will topple? I am examining every one of mine for truth, and rejecting those that do not serve me anymore. Breakfast is a meal to be enjoyed, running 5K will not kill me, nor will loving people openly and freely. Maybe I can come up with something interesting to write about after all, maybe being a slob is not in my nature, maybe i like Brussel Sprouts. Then again, some myths are based on truth and the Sprouts really are the most disgusting thing ever grown by man.

What are your myths? What do you state as truth about yourself without examination? What do you accept out of hand? Maybe it's time to do some mental cleaning.

Seriously Fail

2010-01-31T12:32:00.000-08:00

I will tell you no lies. I am struggling. With a lot of things. The exercising is hard and I haven't gone for a while. My last real workout was Tuesday. I had another session scheduled on Thursday but I was, conveniently, not feeling well. Probably wish fulfillment.

I think the best word to use is demoralized. After two weeks of counting calories and working my butt off in the gym i have lost no weight. And I know some of you will say oh you're replacing fat with muscles, but that simply doesn't hold. I should still be losing at least 2 to 4 lbs a week, not maintaining. I'm not cheating on the food, I'm not taking it easy on the workouts. The math simply doesn't hold up. One factor that might come into play is the antidepressants I take. They do inhibit weight loss. Which leaves me screwed because not taking them is not an option. So what to do?

Another thing that has me demoralized is the writing. The last few days at work I've had to scan through about 100 novels by Samhain publisher for sexual content. Samhain is a small publisher that publishes romance, mostly explicit. I don't have a good opinion of the quality you get from Samhain. Some are okay, most are simply badly written porn disguised as badly written romance. I told the person who ordered them this but he ordered them anyway because we've never dealt with Samhain before.

The order is for a starter collection for a new library. When the books came, they came with warning labels on the back cover and the decision was made that I would scan the books and rate the explicitness. Oh the responsibility. Oh the bummer factor. Because no matter how badly written, these books all have one thing in common. They were written by women who managed to finish a book with some manner of coherency and get it published. I may be a better writer but that's worth nothing if I can't even start a novel, let alone finish it. My goal has always been to be published. Can't publish if you don't write. Yet another failure on my part.

And for those of you wondering. No they were not a turn on. 99% of the sex scenes were missing that one factor that would have made them hot: emotion. It was strictly Part A slots into Part B kind of mechanical writing which left me cold.

My personal life feels stalled, on hold. And I'm just so happy to even have one that I don't want to rock the boat.

So yeah, it's been a struggle this week. Instead of totally freaking out though, I decided to circle the wagons this weekend and do some thinking. Friday night I assessed my goals and realized that I'm going to have to extend them. Maybe the 5K in May is a bit optimistic. Maybe September might be more realistic. Either way, I have to realize it's not impossible, just hard. And I've done things that are hard before, I can do them again.

Saturday I vegged. I watched 12 episodes of Lost and knitted. Didn't think too much, ate what I wanted, and just regrouped. Today I did stuff. I feel a little less demoralized, a little more hopeful. Monday I will go back to the gym and work hard. I will go back to counting calories and just keep on keeping on. Still haven't decided what to do about the writing. Do I just give up? Do I start something? What is this fear that is holding me back? Fear of failure? I've already failed by not writing so I should get over that. Fear of success? Kind of doubt that. Fear of not living up to expectations? Probably. Whichever it is, I'm going to have to figure out how to deal with it, because I don't think I'm ready to give up on the publishing dream just quite yet.

sweat

2010-01-23T13:02:00.000-08:00

My gym stinks. The acrid, sour smell of sweat curls into your nostrils and drills into your brain until it's all you can smell. This is not a pretty gym. This is not Spa Lady. There is no spa. There's barely a running track. There are however hockey players and soccer players. On Sundays the cricketers practice their bowling (like pitching only with a running start and they throw that little ball hard).

I've been going for two weeks now. I've missed some days because of bogus excuses, but I've gone more than i have not. My trainer continues to work me hard, has me doing things that I thought I could never do, such as Tricep dips. I have added my sweat to the overall aroma of hard work and effort that hits you when you walk in the door. I have done my inadequate squats in the company of boxers jumping rope like madmen. They laughed when my legs gave out doing squats with an exercise ball, but it was a sympathetic laugh, a "hey we've been there too" laugh. I laughed with them and tried not to feel embarrassed.

Yesterday, there was a group of teenage girl soccer players being put through their paces on the treadmill. I went to use a bike instead but the trainer gave me a treadmill in the corner. So I did my cardio walking at speed 3, incline 0, while 15 yr olds ran at speed 7, incline 7 forwards and backwards. Instead of feeling like a schlub, I upped my game and increased my speed and incline and did my own little interval training. I'm sure they never even noticed me.

I walked faster and further and easier than I have before, and at the risk of going too soon, I feel ready to throw in some running intervals on monday. Maybe 30 seconds of running a couple of times. My mind can't fathom how to do it, but my trainer has made me do stuff that my mind couldn't conceive of but my body managed. In this case, it's not mind over matter, it's just do it.

It's a struggle every day for me to do these things. I've had to change my diet because I wasn't eating enough carbs to exercise. So now I'm back to plain healthy eating and watching my calories. That means the weight loss is going to slow down, so it'll be a long haul. In the past, I've not been good with long hauls in anything. Jobs, relationships, writing. If it wasn't instant, I didn't have it in me to stay motivated. It will be a challenge and some days I will fail. But the difference this time is that instead of staying down, I will get up and I will try again. And again and again and again if I have to.

The soccer players were yelling at their trainer that running backwards was hard and they were going to fall and their thighs were burning and I realized something. I will never be at an elite level, but those at that level have it hard too. It doesn't come easy, it comes from hard work. For them and for me. And what we have in common is the willingness to do that hard work. And the stench of sweat.

The dreaded exercise

2010-01-16T16:00:00.000-08:00

Time to share some goals. Be warned, I'm going to be completely honest, some of you may be shocked.

My primary goal this year is to lose weight. Get ready. When I set this goal I weighed 297 lbs. That's right. I was one cheesecake away from 300 lbs. I refused to acknowledge that for a long time. I hated myself for it but I wouldn't allow myself to think about it too much. Other than the usual beratement. You know the ones. "How can you let yourself go like that? OMG you're disgusting, you shouldn't be allowed out in public, no wonder men aren't interested, you probably make them sick, etc etc ad nauseum."

I wasn't like some people who play innocent. "I don't understand how I got this fat." Oh, I knew. Cake and fast food and chips and chocolate bars. I knew exactly what I was doing to myself and I did it anyway, willfully and deliberately. Although, and this is not an excuse, probably about 60 lbs are the result of the antidepressants. With each new pill I tried, I'd gain 20 lbs. However, most of the fat came from crappy eating. I knew it. I ignored it.

But no longer. ACTION is my word for 2010. Facta non verba. (Deeds, not words.) Positivity (see previous post) reared its ugly head in my life and I feel driven to change things. January 4th I changed the way I ate, choosing to go the low-carb way. I've eaten low-carb before and I feel fantastic on this food plan. I eat very simply, eating the same thing for lunch every day for example. I know this is supposed to lead to boredom, but here's a little secret. I hate food. I hate cooking it, I hate thinking about it, I hate eating it. I know that sounds contradictory to my behaviour in the past, but it's not. I was not one of those people who sat down for a meal and ate 5 servings. I did not eat whole lasagnas at one sitting, 40 pancakes for breakfast. I couldn't finish a large fries from Wendy's. I ate a lot but I didn't eat excessive amounts.

How did I get so fat? Well, there's that one Easter where I ate about ten 1 lb chocolate rabbits. 3 chocolate bars for breakfast was not uncommon. I ate the emptiest, fattest calories I could find and followed them up with no physical activity whatsoever. Why? I won't bore you with the psychology. Some of it was to piss off my mother, which was ridiculous since I engaged in secret eating. Most of those calories were consumed in my car, or in my room after smuggling in the food, such as the dreaded Easter bunnies. I hated myself and every bite of crap food was punishment.

Anyway, I hate food. Hate eating in public too. First week at work it was difficult for me to eat in the lunchroom. I'm good now, reading a book while eating distracts me. So I make very simple choices, eat the same thing a lot. For now, it'll work.

But diet alone is not enough. I am weak and out of shape and I'm tired of it. So I took the big plunge. I joined a gym half a block from work. A real gym. Where professional hockey, football, and lacrosse players train. A gym with a boxing ring. I got a personal trainer for 15 sessions. No women reading magazines while idly peddling their bike. Just serious athletes looking for serious results. And me. And a dozen kids any given night doing soccer drills on the indoor soccer court, running full out on the track. Or practicing their skating skills on the skating treadmill. I love it.

Thursday was my first session. My trainer is tiny, bubbly, blonde, and impossibly young. She's also mean and makes me do stuff that I can't do. I fell twice because my legs simply wouldn't hold me up. I was embarrassed but determined to go on. I've been watching a past season of Biggest Loser, a show I have refused to watch until now. Because how can you watch that show and not do something about your own weight? So I wouldn't watch it. Last season, a woman named Shay started biggest loser at 475 lbs. She could barely walk. But you know what? She exercised. And if she can do it, so can I, damn it.

Today I can barely walk. Sitting down is an adventure. My quads scream with pain. Everything else is fine, just the quads. But I will persevere and I will go back. Because here is my mini goal. I want to run. I know, I know. I can't help it. I just want to run. There's a 5K (3 miles) race in May not far from my house, along the river. I want to see if I can be ready to run that race. Not walk/run. Run. The whole 5K. Why do I think I can do this? Why not? I have always been able to do anything I set out to do, so why not this. I'll have my trainer's help. I have books. I have perseverance. I have a fantastic support system, I just never realized it before. So I'm going to try my damndest to do it. Or as Yoda said, "Do or do not. There is no try." So, okay, I'm going to do it. I will have setbacks, and you'll hear me whine. But damn it, I'm ready to do this.

Weightloss goal: 150 lbs loss, for a final weight of 150lbs. Weight lost so far: 12 lbs.

Positivity: More than just a Spice Girls thing

2010-01-02T12:42:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been feeling very positive. You might be shocked at that. But you know, I kinda like it. I get out of bed a little easier, I try new things a little quicker, I'm more pleasant to be around. And now, with the new year, new decade!, it's even better. For the first time, I've made resolutions. And I feel positive about the resolutions. Positive that I can stick to them, positive that they are doable. I took some workshops beginning of 2009 and we talked a bit about goals. They had to be realistic, doable, and tangible, and quantifiable. Something like that. I didn't pay that much attention.

So this year, I thought I'd try goal setting. Specific goal setting, using those parameters. First goal, start atkins and stick to it. Is it realistic? Yes, Ive been on Atkins before for a long time and I felt fantastic. I learned where I went wrong and will now avoid those pitfalls. (pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving) Doable? Absolutely. Quantifiable? Well yeah, I'll have lost weight.

Second goal, work on my novel. This is a bit tougher. Realistic? I've written a novel before so I know I can do it. Doable? Yes, if i remember BIC (Butt in Chair) and apply it every day, be vigilant every day. Quantifiable? I'll have a novel to show for it.

Third goal, quit drinking diet coke. This is the tough one. I'm not doing it for health reasons, those aspartame poisoning stories are bunk. I'm doing it to save money. I've estimated I spend about $80 a month on diet coke. That's a lot of money. So, is it realistic? I have done it once before when i was on Atkins, so technically yes. Doable? of course. Quantifiable? If i save the money I would normally spend on Diet Coke then yes. This is the one goal that I'm going to have problems with. But if I'm aware of that, it'll help me be super vigilant about sticking to it.

I'm positive about my life. I love my job, I make enough money to pay my bills, my mother leaves me somewhat alone, I am knitting again. I even have a boyfriend. He's a good man, kind, funny, smart, patient, obsessed with zombies. He likes to take things slow, whereas I like to jump in with both feet before looking. I think we're managing to find a middle ground. I have great friends whom I love, great family whom I also love.

Things are good. I haven't said that very often and some of you may remember me this time last year. How far I've come and I am proud of that. With your support I never gave up and now see where your love and support has led me. Straight to positivity.

Lastly, some pictures of knitting projects. A pair of fingerless mittens in a cashmere/wool/cotton blend that rock, and a scarf that I just started in a technique that I've been dying to try for years. Turns out it's easier than I thought and the yarn, Noro Silk Garden, is magnificent. And a picture for Michael, and a picture of Oscar for Laura.

knitting and me and other stuff

2009-11-28T12:32:00.000-08:00

Been such a long time since I posted that I couldn't remember my gmail username. Shame on me. I wish I could say I've been busy, but I haven't been. Just been passing time. Haven't done any knitting since the scarf incident. Started a new scarf, didn't like it, pulled it out. Got the pattern and needles to knit some fingerless mitts, have the wool for it, a lovely wool/cashmere blend but haven't started yet. Something's been holding me back. Today I realized what it is.

Brad, at work, gave me the Advanced Reading Copy of Sweater Quest by Adrienne Martini. It's a book about knitting but not about actual knitting. It's her year long quest to knit an Alice Starmore sweater. It's much more interesting than it sounds. Actual knitting takes up a few pages. It's about the philosophy behind knitting, about why people knit not so much as how. She interviews famous knitters such as Stephanie Pearl-McPhee, the woman behind www.yarnharlot.ca.

It's a truly fabulous book. The tone is witty and sarcastic but welcoming. It reads like having a long conversation with an old friend, with asides and digressions. I read it in a few hours. When I said I couldn't put the book down I meant it. Last night i signed off the internet at 3:30 am fully intending to go to bed immediately. But the book called and I read for another 45 minutes. (I'll tell you later, maybe, why I was up till 3 am)

Lately I've felt that my life is beginning a new phase. New knitting projects, new challenges, I'm almost ready to start writing again. In short, a new me. Probably not more patient, and certainly not more tolerant, but more understanding of my mind's quirky u-turns and more able to deal with them effectively.

Sweater Quest gave me a whole new understanding of why I knit, why people knit, and how to deal with my self-admitted arrogance about some things. As I've mentioned before I don't knit in Acrylic. Certainly not Acrylic that is bought at Walmart. I realize that this is arrogance, a need to feel superior in some way, better than the other person. But as I knit with the women at work, I'm slowly coming to a different understanding. It's about doing it. It doesn't matter how it's done, what matters is that you love it. Doesn't matter if you're a loose knitter or a tight knitter. (all you pervs, get your mind out of the gutter, it refers to tension of stitches)

English technique or Continental? (Yarn in right hand or left hand) It doesn't matter. As Adrienne says (paraphrased) I don't have to like what you're knitting, but I'll defend your right to knit. You want to knit that boxy sweater with the drop shoulders out of bulk Acrylic and unknown fibers in yellow, pink, and orange with broomstick needles? Awesome! Go for it! I'll help you wind the yarn.

I don't know where that need to be better than someone else comes from. That niggling little voice in my head that says "you're better because you do this instead of that. Look at her, she can only do that and thinks that's great. but you know better" with that smug condescending tone i hate so much when it comes from my mother.

It ruined carpentry for me. That constant comparing and finding myself lacking drained me. And it was starting with the knitting too. I'm slower than the other women. I don't knit socks. I don't knit all the time. I started comparing and found myself wanting and immediately that voice came back. "Oh sure, they're faster but look at the crap they're using. You'd never use Acrylic. You'd never knit something that ugly. Sure, they're knitting and you're not but if you knitted it would be better."

And I find myself doing that with everything. From something as simple as how i pack a box at work (can you imagine? being competitive about how to pack a box of books!?!) to my writing. I've always said that I'm competitive in a bad way, I just never realized how bad it had gotten. Instead of spurring me on to do better, I just degraded what other people did while maintaining my obvious superiority by not actually doing what I felt so superior about.

To go full circle, reading Sweater Quest and the conversations with knitters and the many reasons why people knit and the support given in knitting circles, I realized it really doesn't matter. If you love your yellow, pink, and orange sweater that should inspire me. It should inspire me to love what I do and not compare it to other people's work. My fingerless mitts will be made by me and they will keep my hands warms. And nobody will think "omg purple mitts in cashmere? what was she thinking?" And you know what? If they do, that's okay too. Because we'll be connected by our love of knitting and that's all that matters.

And oh yeah, thanks indirectly to Stella, I mean my unnamed friend's cajoling bulldog behaviour (that woman does not give up, let me tell you) I have a boyfriend. Well he says I can call him my boyfriend after i threatened to do it in every sentence, as a joke. He likes birds even more than I do. How cool is that?

Gratitude? We don't need no stinking gratitude.

2009-10-20T18:28:00.000-07:00

Gratitude. What does it mean? To me, it means acknowledging someone's efforts on your behalf, even if the result is not what you hoped for. It doesn't mean falsely gushing over something. Falsely gushing is a dangerous thing. Gush over a hideous painting and you might find yourself gifted with your own hideous painting.

It means saying Thanks for your hard work. Thanks for offering up your valuable time to do something solely for me. That's all. If you don't like the results, you can still say thanks. You can even say, it's not what I hoped for but I really appreciate you trying.

Thanks is such a short word. But it's such a very important one too. It lets a person know that his selfless act is appreciated. It is very often the only reward she will get for her act. Thanks makes us feel good so we are more likely to do something selfless in the future.

Thanks for holding the elevator. Thanks for bringing me a donut when I couldn't make it to the meeting. Thanks for being in my life. Thanks for giving up a month of your free time to make me a present for my boyfriend.

This passive-aggressive blog has been brought to you by a knitter. Feast your eyes on my latest project. It's knitting in Noro Yarn from Japan called Kureyon. It's a variegated yarn that doesn't repeat colour in a single ball. It's 100% wool and is also available in a silk blend and a cashmere blend. I am seriously looking at the cashmere blend for a personal project. Needless to say, I'll be knitting stuff just for me for a while.

Men. You can't shoot em. Why?

2009-09-14T21:45:00.000-07:00

!!Warning!! The following blog post is written by a grumpy person annoyed by just about everyone she came into contact with today. So she thought, what the heck, why not spread the joy around.

By now, you all know about my unnamed friend's quest to find me an SL boyfriend. It's been pretty uneventful. As I warned her, dating websites just aren't kind to me. However, yesterday I was contacted by someone and we talked for a few minutes. He seemed kind of okay. He was still hung up over his RL girlfriend whom he had broken up with 3 years earlier. In fact, within 30 seconds of talking to me, he was sharing her picture. But okay, I'm told I'm too critical so I overlooked that. We got along okay and he asked me on a date. Cool.

Today he tried to weasel out of the date aspect by saying he only meant the date and time we would meet. Yes, I can see how the words "Would you like to go on a date tomorrow" could be misunderstood. But no matter. Again I tried to be not too critical and let that one slide. He then showed up two hours late with a lame excuse and proceeded to tell me right off the bat that he was really tired and was going to bed immediately. Excuse me? It's 9 pm, you're unemployed and you're tired? I got up at 5:30, worked my ass off, and I'm still capable of having a semi-intelligent conversation. I'm not looking for a discussion on the relative merits of Descartes. I tried to draw him out but all he kept saying was "yeah". I told him it wasn't going to work and sent him on his way. Was I wrong to expect a little effort on his part? I think not.

Another man decided to sulk when I wouldn't answer his extremely personal question of a sexual nature. My very best friend wouldn't ever dream of asking me that. It was none of his business. He seemed to think that because we were "Friends" he could ask me that. nuh uh. And since we're talking about him, I'm tired of pandering to his ego. Every two or three times we talk, which is every day, he asks me what we would do if he were single. (Just to clarify, all these situations are internet/SL, you know men don't interact with me in Real Life). Well, you know what, he's not, the conversation is moot and I'm not having it anymore.

What is it about men? Why are we constantly having to prop up their ego? When is it my turn to ask personal questions? When is it my turn to need constant affirmation about my desirability? When do I need constant reminding that if my Significant Other dumped me, some fool is waiting in the wings for me? When do I get to assume that someone would wait two hours for me and not complain about it?

People probably wonder why I'm single in real life. Well, you know, this might be why. I won't play their games in real life. So why am i playing it in a virtual world? Maybe I have no right to complain. Maybe I've fostered this need in them by being kind and understanding and patient. Maybe I should have slapped them down a long time ago.

How many of us are guilty of fostering behaviour we don't want in others? Instead of saying that their jokes offend us, we laugh along because we don't want to be rude. Instead of saying that they hurt our feelings when they're late, we accept their lame excuses and let them think they got away with it. Maybe I'm saying "no worries" too much. Maybe I've forgotten how to speak up for myself. Maybe we all need to start speaking up for ourselves a bit more.

On the bright side, a woman in SL made a pass at me. I guess it's good to have options, even if you don't exercise them.

work in progress

2009-09-05T16:51:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to write something deep about how life is a work in progress, blah blah blah. If you ask me that's a totally depressing metaphor cause it implies that you'll never finish anything. Rather, you're just slaving away at a never-ending job with no hope of that sweet satisfaction of completion and a job well done. Who needs that?

Let's leave those depressing ideas to the ancient Greeks. Who, if you think about it, weren't a very happy bunch, for being the cradle of civilization. Can anyone think of a myth that didn't involve despair and unhappiness, usually followed by the plucking out of body organs? Seems to me they should have been sitting around going "Dude, we're starting modern civilization! We're laying down the roots of democracy and all that jazz. We're totally pumped!!" Instead they mope around with doomsday choruses crying "Woe is us. Marry your mother, kill your father." I think the ancient Greeks needed Prozac.

No choruses here. I couldn't think of anything to write about that wasn't all depressing and about my lack of love life (note, no wedding this weekend. Nuff said) So instead I thought I'd post some pictures about my knitting WIPs. (Works In Progress) I love to knit. It's fun to do, the yarn is gorgeous, and at the end you have a finished thing that you can give away and make someone else happy. Or you can keep it and make yourself happy. It used to be that people knitted because they couldn't afford to buy sweaters. No longer. The advent of acrylic made cheap sweaters a possibility for manufacturers and nowadays knitting is more a luxury than a necessity.

Of course, you can cheap out and knit in acrylic but why would you put all that time and effort into something that will not look good or be comfortable. I can't imagine anything worse than putting a baby in an acrylic sweater. It itches, it's hot, it doesn't breath. Poor kid. Instead, I decide to spend the extra money and knit in luxurious fabrics like merino wool and cashmere blends. Or alpaca blends. Good cotton, not that dishcloth cotton they sell at Michaels. It's a choice that not everyone can make. On average a baby sweater comes to about $80. But I'm single and I can be reckless with my money. I understand other people can't. (technically, neither should I but that's a story for another time)

So today, a few pictures of what I'm working on, my immediate stash (not all of it, I don't have a lot but enough) and by popular demand a few more pictures of Oscar the weiner dog. For whom I'm knitting a wool sweater. He's low to the ground and dachshunds get cold easily. I will post a picture of him wearing it when it's done.

I take terrible pictures. This is the baby sweater that's almost done. It's a Debbie Bliss pattern from Simply Baby with Debbie Bliss yarn, Baby Cashmerino, which is soft, a dream to work with and washable.

This is a scar for Kim. It's actually a vibrant Lilac, this picture doesn't do the colours justice. The scarf is done, I just have to mail it. Soon, Kim, soon. I promise. It's a free online pattern found here and done in a cashmere blend Aran yarn from Rowan Yarns.

These wools are from knitpicks and I'm incredibly impressed with them. I have some alpaca/merino/silk blend from them as well and the quality is super and their prices are ridiculously low. This wool will be used to make a felted purse for Paula.

and last but not least, my beautiful handpainted wool from china which will be a scarf. Stay tuned for project pictures.

And finally (long post, I know) here are pictures of Oscar. No Laura, you cannot take him home, he already has a home. Get your own.

virtual boyfriend?

2009-08-25T20:44:00.001-07:00

As most of you know, I spend a lot of time in Second Life. Second Life is a virtual world with over 30,000 separate regions, all of them user-created, and over one million regular users. Anything you can find in Real Life, you can find in SL. And some things you can't find in RL too.

Recently, after I confessed I was lonely, an SL friend, who shall remain nameless, decided to make me her project and find me an SL boyfriend. You see, as is the case when human beings interact, relationships abound in SL. Casual ones and serious ones. You can even get married in Sl. And divorced. And just like in RL, divorce costs money but it's much cheaper. Which is good because in SL, some people get partnered (that's what they call marriage) and divorced every other week.

This friend visited all the SL dating services, of which they have several, and pulled profiles for me. Of course I found something wrong with all of them. This one lived in the UK, time zone's impossible, that avatar wore a cowboy hat and had a hairy chest. A third one didnt fill out his questionnaire in complete sentences.

And then! She found the motherlode. www.avmatch.com. It's like Match.com but for avatars. It is free! She made me sign up! I've tried Match.com in RL and it wasn't such a success. But no matter. She's undaunted and optimistically has me partnered by the end of the week.

It got me to thinking. An SL boyfriend would be sweet. Boyfriends are not my forte. I've pretty much given up hope of ever having one in RL. But in SL, I'm gorgeous, I'm thin, I dress well, and my hair is perfect and I can change it with a click of my mouse. And it wouldn't interfere too much in my real life. Real boyfriends make demands. They want to do stuff, some, God forbid, want you to go shopping with them. Eventually, they never leave your house and take over your space. They want to be together all the time and get pouty when you want to go see a movie without them, or you're reading a book. And how impossible to find one who would understand that for at least an hour a day I'm completely unavailable because I'm writing.

But in SL, how perfect things would be. There would be togetherness and doing stuff all from the comfort of my office chair. I can stay in my pajamas and not worry about whether I remember to brush my teeth. It's limited to the time I'm online. If I want to write, I just say goodbye and sign out of SL. This might actually work.

Of course, I havent got a clue about what it takes to have a relationship. RL or SL. How does it differ from the SL male friends I have now? I pretty much tell them everything. We share and do stuff. They understand the writing demands. (yes there is S.E.X. in SL, so i suppose there's that, but family members might read this so I can't talk about it)

How does one have a relationship online? You have to take what they say at face value. He's not married? You'll have to take that on faith. He's a man? Again, you've got to trust he's telling the truth. I have trust issues. No matter what anyone tells me, I'm always looking for the angle, the set-up. How am I supposed to believe it when an avatar tells me he's got feelings for me? Riiiiiight.

Don't get me wrong. I know people who have gotten married in RL after meeting in SL. But I can't even manage a relationship in RL, I'm not sure I can do it in SL. Still, I find myself wondering. About the friend with benefits, who could be more, if only I could figure out if he's joking or serious. And I confess, I had a boyfriend in SL once. It didnt last long and it ended badly on my end, but we're still good friends, and sometimes when we talk, I wonder if he'd take me back.

Instead, I let my friend talk me into avmatch.com. So far nobody's contacted me and the one person I contacted hasn't answered me yet. No matter. According to my friend there will be a wedding by the end of the week. If there is, you're all invited.

2009-08-16T10:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I saw District 9, a sci fi movie produced by Peter Jackson of Lord Of The Rings fame. It's not heavy sci fi, there just happen to be aliens on Earth. It was brilliant. A seamless mix of news footage, documentary (fake of course) "expert" interviews and straightforward narrative, with ambiguous characters, no real identified hero, even the characters we're supposed to feel sympathy for aren't that sympathetic on the whole. I loved every minute of it. I was supposed to take my nephew but when I went to pick him up, he told me he wasn't going because he had friends over. Someone (my sister, according to him) forgot to tell me. No biggie, I went on my own. And am glad I did. I highly recommend this movie, even if you don't like sci fi, because it really isn't sci fi.

Sometimes I wonder why we get up every day. Why we don't stay in bed, with the covers pulled over our heads, not quaking in fear necessarily, but unwilling to go out into the big bad world. It's rough out there. There are people intent on killing as many of their "enemies" as they can, conveniently forgetting that the enemy they're killing are their own people. There are liars who think about nothing but getting what they want without any regard for other people. There are cheaters whose only goal is to amass as much as they can. Landslides, hurricanes, floods wipe out thousands of people every month. Why the hell should we want to get out of bed?

We all have to find our own thing. For some, it's a loved one, a partner or a child, who just by smiling at us, makes it all worthwhile. I don't have that. I chose, a long time ago, to not have children. I am not sorry for that choice, it was the right one to make. And if ever I think I made a mistake, I spend time with my nieces and nephes and they remind me why I was right..... Kidding, of course. I love them to death, I didn't know it was possible to love anyone quite that much.

I don't have a partner. And let me tell you, that one rankles. I don't even need a husband, a boyfriend would do. Just to know that someone, somewhere, is thinking of me. But that hasn't happened and probably won't. And usually I'm okay with that. No, you know what gets me out of bed? Two things. One is kinda pathetic, and one is miraculous.

The first thing is Oscar, that stupid little weiner dog. To see his little body running around the house because he's happy to see me. To have him sit on my lap and cuddle with me. His incessant kisses. His total obsession with birds and his attempts to get into the lilac bush so he can get closer to the birds. The way he springs through the grass like a jack rabbit.

The other is hope. For a long time, I lived with no hope. I got up because I could still recognize that not getting up would be the end of the road. It was an obligation, an automatic reaction, and to be honest, I was too fat to laze around all day in bed, it was uncomfortable. If I could have, I would have, believe me.

But lately, there's been this little thing, this little glimmer, a recognition that things don't have to stay the same. That I can affect the outcome, that maybe, just maybe, the future is up to me. What do I want that future to hold? The usual: A boyfriend, a skinny body, a novel written, a dog of my own, a place of my own. It doesn't really matter. What matters is that for the first time, I have goals. Goals that are doable, and that I'm actively working towards. It's kind of cool.
Also to not eat the nachos at the movie theatre cause they always make me sick and yet I always order the damn things. What's up with that?

To end this post, which is way more depressing than I wanted it to be, I shall leave you with the absolute delicious goodness that is John Barrowman. (sorry, I couldn't embed the video so you'll just have to trust me. It's good)

Work

2009-08-08T10:44:00.000-07:00

Today, I thought I'd talk about my job. Because I love it so very much. I work at a book wholesaler. We supply libraries and schools throughout Western Canada. We are, I believe, Western Canada's biggest wholesaler and we are considered one of Canada's best. We have about 90 employees and a HUGE warehouse. Seriously. When I first started and I had to go from my department at the front of the building to cataloguing at the back of the building, I'd be out of breath. Granted, I'm horribly out of shape, but it's a long, long way, trust me.

I work in the paperback/education department. We are in charge of all mass market paperbacks and school orders. Every month we get several hundred new titles in paperback, about 400 or so, and we distribute them to the libraries. The books are held on the tie-line, so called because a long time ago books were bundled and tied with twine, hence "tie-line".

We also get all the orders from libraries and schools. What we have in stock, I invoice and pack, along with another lady; what we don't goes to Order Entry. After it goes to Order Entry, I never see the order again. I only deal with in-stock material. Sometimes, when it's quiet (not very often) I also pick the orders. This goes slowly, because I can't always find a book because I'm not sure where to look for it. I am just now getting used to all the places a YA (Young Adult) book could be shelved, and of course this month everything got shifted around. Back to square one.

There is a shipping department and a receiving department. There is Processing where they put mylar or eazy covers on books, security strips, bar codes, etc. I did bar codes once, to help out. It was boring. Each bar code sticker had to be in an exact spot, so I had to use a template. Yawn.

We also have a very large cataloguing department. About 16 full-time cataloguers and Calgary Public Library has their own cataloguers. The cataloguers will create catalogue records and stickers for the books. Some libraries and schools have us do it, some libraries do it themselves. They can, in some cases, access the library's catalogue and enter the info directly. This saves the library time and money since the book can be shelved as soon as they receive it.

We do many starter school and library collections, where a new school or library needs a whole new book collection. Those are great. A lot of work, but very exciting.

My department has 6 people in it, including our team leader. Two of us are in charge of invoicing and packing and deal with walk-in customers. One deals with the tie-line and its distribution. She picks, we invoice and ship. And two ladies pick and ship orders independantly from us. They only deal with standing orders. Our team leader is in charge of ordering all the books for the tie-line, determining our "best seller" list, and putting together the monthly catalogues. He is a fabulous boss, calm and laid back, funny, and just all-around fabulous.

Stripping was very traumatic the first time. We strip the covers of all the books that didn't sell and send them back to the publisher for credit. The books themselves get recycled. Usually a book is stripped about 4 mos after we receive it, after it spends time in the tie-line and then the showroom. Some books can't be stripped and we sell them for 50% off.

Best thing? I get five free paperbacks a week. I created a catalogue on www.librarything.com so i wouldn't get double titles because I can't remember week to week what books I already have. And i get 40% off anything else. Every book in publication I can order.

Most books we sell I don't even see. Special orders and starter collections are a huge part of our business and they don't cross my desk. What I see are children's and YA books for the schools and mass market paperbacks and that suits me just fine. I love my job.